WELL my posting schedule has gone to sh*t. I had dreams of being super successful and driven, creating a reliable outlet where my hoards of followers would tune in every other day to hear the words of wisdom pour forth from my mouth/hands. I am pleased that I have been making an effort to continue with writing at all, to be honest, I have had such low feelings lately, and some of them are to do with my project. The exhibition is in 22 days away, as the super helpful countdown calendar at the side of me page reminds me. As for my work, I feel as though none of it has enough substance, in practical terms as well as conceptual, I am plagued with nightmares about an empty exhibition space, or only have one-half decent piece to show for all the efforts of the last two years (in reality, my nightmares are about ex-boyfriends and having to answer the phone…).
I do actually have a few framed pieces, I don’t really know what I’m worried about, my time management is the best its ever been and I am actually planning, reviewing and giving myself feedback as I go along… It’s almost as though I’m becoming…successful…
So why do have these bouts of anxiety and depression regarding my work? Maybe it is down to the lack of confidence I have in myself, or a fear of not being conceptual enough to be an artist…that my work is childish and silly and everyone will laugh and no-one will appreciate the agony of how much I have pushed myself to actually finish something.
Everyone is plagued by self-sabotage, mine manifested as never having the attention span to complete anything, or purposefully ruining my chances, whether that was by allowing myself to be distracted by destructive patterns or full of spiralling out of control and losing focus. I wonder if what I am actually anxious about is defying these old behaviour patterns? For the first time in years I have dedicated my time and focus on something which is now coming to fruition, and I am terrified… “oh shit son she’s serious” “this means commitment” “I never knew you had it in you” these are the voices in my head, as you can tell they are actually not that bad, gone are the days of endless torment, now, even at it’s most negative, my self-talk is merely a sarcy b*tch.
PROGRESS. That is the word of today. progress in all areas, not just my artists’ career, but in my attitude to life, in my perception of myself and the world. Mother-lovin’ Progress.